42 IV

In this, my 42nd year of existence as a human being, I’m dedicating myself to charging forward randomly into new frontiers of discovery about myself and the rest of the universe.

I’ve decided that I’ve spent enough of my life observing and processing what’s been going on around me that I’ve grown a bit restless. I feel that it’s time to begin doing something, contributing something to the overall, no manner how ridiculous or random it might be.

So, inevitably, I ran into the first major obstacle in this endeavor: what am I gonna do?

Well, let’s start with: what can I do? What is it that makes me unique? What are my special qualities and talents that I can turn to the good of all mankind?

Well, I can play piano. I’m not that great, but I can carry a tune. I’ve written a few original pieces. I fart around with Fruity Loops. My buddy and I used to jam on the regular before the pandemic. Honestly, though, I’m not confident enough in that area to make it something I do in public to make an impact.

I can write. I think that I’m a good writer of fiction and commentary on life. I mean, that’s kind of what I do here. While it definitely has more direction than it used to, I’m still working out exactly what I want to do here. Most of my major fiction projects are still just projects—nothing that I’m ready to publish or share.

I play video games.

Now, there is something to this that I’ve never really considered before. I’ve been playing video games since the early 80’s. I remember Pong. I remember actually playing Pong on a Pong console in my Aunt’s old room at my grandparent’s house as a kid. I had a Nintendo Entertainment System when it first came out, but before that I had Intellivision and Odyssey 2 consoles. I’ve put my time in at Arcades, playing Pac-Man and Asteroids and Rampage and Street Fighter. I’ve played and completed every Final Fantasy game up to X-2. I’ve played Ultima Online, Anarchy Online, World War II Online, and World of Warcraft. My grades suffered through school years because of it. I’ve done naughty things in pursuit of gaming time and gaming gear. Truly, gaming is a huge part of my life and always has been. I have never been without a console to play, or a computer to game on.

Suddenly, it dawned on me, for the first time, with any real impact: I am a gamer.

So, this week, I decided to start a Twitch stream. I did so brazenly, randomly, and without any real research done on how to do it effectively … but I did it. I actually had a good time.

I knew this about myself from previous experience in public speaking and acting, but I can get into a comfort-zone performing in front of people. Streaming my gameplay over the weekend reminded me of that more outspoken part of me that does get excited when he knows other people are watching him.

And that’s the thing, I didn’t even know if people were watching me, but I was performing as if they were. I said what was on my mind. I was in the moment, cracking jokes, giving commentary, referencing other concepts as I played that were either relevant or complete random.

I felt it. I felt that potential. I felt that side of me that I haven’t felt in a long time come out of the dungeon I’ve been keeping it in for so long. I half-expected it to be this disheveled, wraith of a thing—filthy, broken, neglected, and with the terror of a cornered animal in its eyes.

Instead, I saw that it was me. A more confident and spontaneous and genuine me than I have seen in a long, long time.

By the time Sunday night rolled around, I felt the inevitable voice of the saboteur shitting on my efforts. I went to bed feeling empty, like I had wasted my time, my efforts, and exposed myself carelessly and disastrously to the entire universe. The voice wasn’t telling me that they were all going to laugh at me. No, it was worse. It was saying no one was ever going to give a shit about what I do.

And that, my friends, is where it made its fatal misstep. It thought I would give a shit about other people giving a shit about what I do, and that’s not what my anxiety is about at all. I’m not concerned that I might do something and no one care. I’m concerned about doing something wrong, about people getting the wrong idea about me, about being misrepresented in the minds of the populace, about being thought of as stupid. I’m not saying that these things aren’t going through my mind, too; but, I was myself while streaming, and I gave not a single shit about anything but what I was doing and saying in that moment.

When I woke up this morning, after going to bed thinking to myself that I might not stream again, I was smirking. All I could think of was Goofy:

38ekff

And I will. Not only will I do it again, I’ll do other things. Not for money, not for fame, not for fortune, and not for glory. For the randomness of it all.

That’s my thing, the random. When I was attempting to come up with a handle for my gaming future, the old stand-bys came to mind: prof.edtt, CaptainWho, midgetbadger. None of those felt like me. Those were names I hid behind.

I needed something that was me, something that embodied my fascination and obsession with allowing fate to decide my next move through random number generation, rolled dice, and flipped coins. I needed a hook, a gimmick. Something memorable, but totally rando.

And there it was. It popped in my head like it had always been there just waiting for its time to shine.

I am RichRando, the Rando Commando. And it’s all rando from here on out.

So, if you’re interested, you can catch me on Twitch. My current schedule is going to be Tuesdays and Fridays. On Tuesdays, I’ll be running a random game with random stipulations with random goals all picked at random. On Fridays, I’ll be gaming with a bit more focus, doing some co-op with friends, exploring new titles, and just riffing on whatever strikes in the moment.

Twitch Channel – RichRando

Come watch as I go rando commando through the annals of gaming.

And after I’m done … I’ll fuckin do it again.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.