Paroxysms: Marvel, Gaming, Froot Loops


… froot loops …

Okay, in that commercial, you aren’t even playing Super Mario Bros. and that really irritates me. You’re cheering about mashing buttons during the preview screens, that’s excessively irritating. Somewhere, someone thought this was okay, but it’s not. I refuse to buy Froot Loops now. If I see Froot Loops, I pull them from the shelves and stomp on them. If I see someone buying Froot Loops, I tackle them and strip the box like a Linebacker. If I even see a toucan, I start to foam at the mouth. Don’t get me started on the clever double “o” – I don’t have the time to look it up, but I’m pretty sure “froot” is probably actually a Dutch word that means “ass kibble”.

… Marvel …

I think it’s fantastic that someone else gets to wield Thor’s hammer, and someone else gets to be Cap, and Hulk gets his brains back and … it was cool when it happened the first time, too. I get that Marvel has a lot more exposure now, but I get irritated by the media’s shoddy researching skills when it comes to writing articles about the Marvel universe. Suddenly everything MCU just HAS TO BE like 616 except where 616 is cheesy and 70s. Well, it’s not. Thor’s never going to be Charlize Theron, Mackie’s not going to fling a shield, and Hulk’s always going to say “SMASH!” instead of  “Pip-pip, that was simply smashing, old boy …” One of the mainstays of the Marvel Universe is the fact that is a Multiverse, including Earth-19999 and Earth-616 and those other two Sony/Fox iterations and ALL THE REST. … And what better way to finally bring it all together when the Sony and Fox contracts are up. Maybe Doctor Strange creates some cosmic paradox that shifts those other universes into one and we finally get Spidey as an Avenger, and proper Skrulls and a real Galactus. Anyway,  I have been excessively impressed with Kevin Feige’s approach to capturing the essence of the original Silver Age beginnings and making them relevant to today. I see Steranko in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., I feel Roy Thomas in the deep continuity. You know, there is a pre-Wolverine Marvel, and I see it in the MCU when I didn’t expect to. So these naysayers that expect Guardians of the Galaxy to flop irritate me about as much as Froot Loops. Just because the Guardians are an “obscure” line of Marvel fiction, that doesn’t mean that their inclusion in the continuity of the MCU is not absolutely appropriate. The Silver Age was rife with cosmic adventure, and you can’t not include that in anything you do as big as what Feige has helped create. Asgard was the perfect segue into this idea that the Universe is bigger than Earth. Forget the Guardians, what about the Kree? Nova Corps? Fucking Galactus? There has to be a bridge between Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and the rest of the galaxy – and what better vehicle to bridge that gap than the exact opposite of what the Avengers are. The Guardians of the Galaxy are more human at their core than the rest of what awaits us beyond Midgard, and that’s why they are the perfect team to take us beyond the horizon and into the great beyond. And speaking of the great beyond, I can’t wait to hear them say Doctor Strange’s debut is going to be a flop.


Oh virtual reality, how I desire thee. Just not like that. There is a day coming where the barriers between video games and movies will be breached, and the realms will collide–where an individual’s creativity will dictate the flow of the plot, not some corporation. What? Heard it before? Games are money, movies are money, your purist ideals of how open worlds should really be “open” are not. VR is inevitable, but we’re already broadcasting to the people that can make it happen that we want them to hold our hands through it. Should we? Or are we mature enough to wander off into madness alone? Imagine experiencing the Dune universe as Feyd-Rautha, or Duncan Idaho, or the Baron Harkonnen and completely rewriting how it all ends … and there’s another problem. What’s sacred anymore after that? Will the creators of these universes want you to play as Bonzo and kill Ender? Will you be allowed to snap Leia’s neck on the Tantive IV? Will you convince a legion of elves to really show up at Helm’s Deep? Doubtful. And that’s a shame. But let’s go beyond licenses and established franchises and think about the mind of man. What is to stop some pervert from developing the technology to wink his eye and capture a realistic 3D-modeling and voice capture of a young girl he sees at the mall and upload her into his private VR world of sex and debauchery? Nothing. Are you okay with that? Are you okay with someone liking your face, or your ass, and having it appear in the dark reaches of their personal paradise? Do our laws and our morals penetrate the divide between what is real and what damn sure feels real? What if you could upload your arch-nemesis in to your game world and cut his heart out with a spoon? What if the schizophrenic man finds peace in a world of insanity that matches the vibrations of his soul instead of the discordant reality he’s forced to exist in during his waking hours? What if the serial killer can be tamed by allowing his inner demon to run free in a world of his making? Is it okay? Do we want to think about what that means, or just blindly accept the next iteration of must-have-technology?

Who’s screwing you in their mind?

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