Time is running out and this is the zero hour. For you, the reader, it takes just a few seconds to make a lifetime of difference in the life of someone else, and I am politely asking you, if you are a fan of mad science, cacophony, and imminent destruction, to please donate even a small amount to my latest campaign.
Here is the meat of the project: Your extremely generous donations will go towards financing my latest creation, the Tonne-Hubert Molecular Transpositioning Speculometron, which in its final stages will allow me to duplicate the massive war droids I have been manufacturing out of my small lab here in Struth-Helmershof, Germany.
I would like to take a moment and offer my sincerest gratitude to those who donated to my previous campaign, which allowed me to construct the three prototypes in the first place.
I need your help again, friends. Three war droids was an unbelievable achievement on its own, but what good are three prototype war droids against the raised armies of the Earth. I hope you can see that I will need more. I believe we can do this – I have to believe that we can do this together. Even the smallest donation helps. If we can meet our goals by the end of this week, the Tonne-Hubert Molecular Transpositioning Speculometron will allow me to duplicate my wonderful war droids at an incredible rate – an estimated 53.7 droids per hour! Truly a worthwhile cause, wouldn’t you say?
Ah, but what incentives do you have to help a starving mad scientist? Let me tell you.
If you donate $50, I will mention your blog or website in one of my blogs where I talk about my egotism at length. These particular posts have been generating an average view count of 7,500 in 23 different countries – a perfect way to promote your own endeavors in a venue that reaches thousands of people every day!
If you donate $100, I will arrange for us to have a 15-minute Skype conversation where I will pretend to be interested in the petty pursuits of your wasted life. I will then compose a blog entry about YOU and post it on my blog as a thinly disguised opportunity to gloat about myself through your inadequacies.
If you donate $200, I will paint your face (or logo) on the titanium chestplates of ten war droids of your choice, based upon their likely distribution during the apocalypse I intend to bring about. Hurry though, there are only fifty of these perks left – I will only have so many war droids.
If you donate $300, I will send my assistant, my personal sex-slave clone of Norman Tebbit, to your house where he will mentally dominate you and bring you to my laboratory. Once in my humble abode, I will begin the process of breaking your will and turning you into a cyborg template of your choice – Marauder, Juggernaut, Mindbender, or Reaver. Again, you’d best be quick on this one. There are only two Reaver perks left.
And, finally, if you are most gracious and believe in me with as much faith as I have in myself, and you donate $500, I will personally laser a caricature of your face in the surface of the moon using my giant mega-death ray (not to be confused with my unsuccessful rockbot, Megadeth Ray).
I believe we can do this. I think my ideas, expansive and mad as they are, deserve to be seen through to fruition, even though there are millions of mad scientists out there that make a living going through the system. I have to stay true to my morals and pursue the realization of the ideas in my mind through more humble means. I must ask your help in this as I refuse to let the world tell me that being a mad scientist is about more than using other people’s money to construct death rays, war droids, and mutant badgerwhales.
I hope that you, the reader of this blog, want the destruction of all life as we know it as bad as I do. If you are here, reading this, then maybe you already have been following me and understand the art I am trying to set free into existence.
If you can find it in your heart to contribute to a worthwhile cause, you may donate here.
Also, I am having a sale on my microscopic death mites, a great bargain at only $4.99 per thousand. Surprise your friends and enemies as their brains are devoured in a matter of moments as the swarm enters their nostrils from their hive, cleverly disguised as an iPhone. You can purchase that here.
And finally, we still have several bundles left over from the year-end sale, so I am extending that special through Valentine’s Day. It makes a perfect gift for that special someone. It includes: 5 mutant marmosets (complete with titanium razor claws and pulse cannons), a 3-pack of my popular Acid Chapstick (great for visiting dignitaries), and your very own custom-brainwashed clone drone (only Hippie and Ghetto Redneck models remain). Get that bundle here.
Thank you, in advance, for your contribution. It means the world to me that so many of you believe that this universe is not big enough for anyone but me.