How to be a Successful Writer Without Trying – Part One


The Reliquary

Stand in front of a mirror and punch yourself.

Drink a tall glass of scotch and smoke Camel Turkish Silvers.

Pick up a bad habit, like borrowing other peoples cell phones to report bad driving to numbers you pick up from “How’s My Driving” stickers on trucks you see on the road. Make shit up. Be belligerent, and give other people’s names as references.

Bars are your home, whether you drink or not. Own the end of a bar. Showers are not your friend. Grow a beard to catch the scotch and guinness that misses your mouth. Always order sausages.

Spend a good amount of time on an apartment search and then spend more money than you make on a flat that is too small and drafty. Force yourself to wear scarves on a 24-hour basis. Become intimate with instant food and noodles.

Borrow your stuck-up friend’s Mac and go…

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